Relentless Love

choosing to keep hope alive, on the embers of despair (or the rot of being single)

It’s Valentine’s Day and apparently, I’m single. I didn’t think for a second I’d type out the sentence above ever again in my life, but I just did. It’s a fact, and it sucks, but it happened. This is the first “holiday” I’m going through without the partner I thought I’d spend the next however many years left on this disaster driven planet we’ve got left right alongside. A few months ago at the screening of the feature film I shot last year, The Holiday Club, I was asked what my favorite holiday was. My answer was embarrassing, but it remains true — I fucking love Valentine’s Day.

I fucking hate being single.

But of course it’s ridiculous to call being single “leaning into the rot” — trust me, I know how ridiculous I sound.

Accountability: I barely took two months off between my divorce (though it was over for an entire year beforehand) and meeting my most recent ex of a little over 3 years. This is a red flag I’d caution any client or friend about in a potential lover.

Reality: I’m an Aries and I was actually as ready as I was ever going to be to put myself back out there. When I met my ex, who had just ended a 10 year relationship, we were both surprised to fall quickly for each other (me first, always me first) and our lives seamlessly fell into place. Things felt genuinely secure, they felt idyllic, balanced, generative. It has been the most overall positive relationship in my entire life thusfar, and I’d hazard a guess it was for my ex as well, but at some point, things shifted and a choice was made and now I’m leaning into the rot of single life I called out at my screening so flippantly.

To be clear, I don’t think being single is the worst thing in the world. I’m not placing judgment on it whatsoever. I probably need to be single right now. I probably need to be single for an extended period of time after this [extended is subjective and I’m putting this caveat here because maybe I’ll meet someone in 6 months and be happier than ever, maybe not, but I am 100% a never say never person and it is one of the few things I truly love about myself]. I think there is incredible opportunity for self growth and self-reflection while not in a partnership, and I’m excited for those things to feel fruitful for me in the coming weeks, months, years ahead.

But on this day, on this Friday February 14th, where I’m spending my entire day talking to single people about how badly they want to be partnered, how much they would give for a single swipe of affection from someone who thinks they hung the moon, how meaningfully they prioritize connection and pursue it with intention, communication and clarity around what they are looking for, it’s hard to not feel a sting [of embarrassment, humiliation, sadness, depression, regret, confusion].

There are only so many times a person can hear: “you’ll find someone” “it wasn’t your fault” “you’re a great partner.” Not only do these filler statements not help fill the gap you’ve got in your heart, but they often activate a defensive response. A good friend told me it was normal to feel the urge to lash out during these early days of being single again. I might lash out at my true blue friends who say my ex wasn’t good enough for me, or when they talk about the detachment I didn’t want to see right in front of my eyes, even (and especially) when it was painfully obvious. I might reject anger entirely, I might stay so mired in denial and shock for longer than I think. And all of this is ok. All I have to be responsible for right now is one hour, then a day, then a week in front of the other.

This permission to feel my feelings (even the messy ones) early on in the process of navigating this breakup has been a deeply important piece of advice and validation. The permission to take the focus off of the “we” I’d been building largely on my own, and focus on myself, my moment to moment needs, and ask my friends for help has saved my life.

I have so much respect for my friends who have survived heartbreak and offered their time, (voice notes, phone calls, responding with compassion to my walls of texts), who have been like on-call doctors for my heart. I can’t imagine going through this without the community I’ve cultivated and the first pat on my back I have given myself in the last two weeks was precisely because I built this sense of camaraderie in my own life. I had no idea how much I’d need it, but I am glad my friendships and platonic relationships have always been and will remain important to me to cultivate.

And I’ve got time on my hands to keep expanding my community (of which you are all a part of!)

So, in the spirit of passing along what has helped me through the last few weeks, so it might help anyone else feeling less red, more blue today, here are a few of my current reflections on the path towards happiness:

1. It’s switchback climbing. Absolutely non-linear. The first good day might be followed by a can’t-get-out-of-bed one. You can’t predict it, but you can continue to adapt. Your body is learning how to take care of itself no matter what direction your heart leaps in each present moment. I’m writing a novel right now where there is a brutal car accident in the first few pages and one of the fun facts I’ve learned recently about the way our bodies heal when there are bone fractures is that (I’m not a doctor, don’t quote me), when we have a traumatic injury to bone, more bone grows in its place to protect, strengthen and lessen the likelihood of future fracture. It’s not a perfect system, but you’re strengthening and healing parts of your emotional life the same way, by building up resilience like muscle, like tissue, like bone, to make you more resilient in the face of a next time.

2. There might not be a next time. You could always meet the love of your life around an unexpected corner. You might not. You cannot control or force this.

3. Every stage of grief must be gone through. You can’t skip them or detach from your feelings. It isn’t helpful to drown your sorrows in substances, work or flings. If you do these things, you’re going to repeat the pattern of what has most recently broken your heart. Feelings are meant to be felt.

4. Spread out your needs to your network. Some of your friends are going to be best at tough love, some will send you poetry to keep the floodgates open and your heart tender, others will let you say the same 10 things over and over again. All of these types of help are important in these early stages of loss. It’s ok to feel the loss acutely and it’s ok to feel like you’re never going to get over it. Your friends will be there to remind you that you will. They are in charge of helping you see beyond the present moment when you are ready to.

5. Journal. Meditate. Leave your house. Take 10 baths a day. Spend time in nature. Listen to a breakup podcast and quit halfway through. Do whatever you need to do to keep your nervous system regulated.

6. Be kind to your ex. Be generous in your communication with them. Do not be reactive, vindictive or mirror their actions. Of course protect yourself, but show up as the generous, kind, loving person you are at your core. You can only control how you handle the breakup — whether or not you initiated it.

7. Don’t read Jane Austen. It’s boring. I’ve heard the movies are better, but the woman wallows in a cold and austere way. Read books and watch things which take your mind all the way off your relationship.

8. Find your way to a gratitude practice. Making lists and getting through the practical parts of ending a relationship are daunting and bring up all kinds of scarcity (literal and emotional), so meet yourself at the start or end of each day with a few things you are grateful for. Maybe it’s just your favorite mug filled with tea today. Your cat being down to sit in your lap as the sun sets. Your parents. Water. Small gratitude makes way for bigger gratitude without fail.

I’m writing this because I still believe in love. I still believe in possibility and I still believe loving someone else is the most radical and most necessary action we, as human beings can undertake. To deny love in your life is to be controlled by fear, cowardice and avoidance. We’re in a destabilizing moment in this country where love is being threatened every single day. You don’t grow up to be like some of the people in power in this country if you have a healthy relationship with care, affection and love. A million and one writers and thinkers have said it better, but love, true love, is the ultimate act of resistance. And just because I’m leaning into the rot right now, doesn’t mean I won’t wake up tomorrow as capable as ever of boomeranging myself right back into a relentless pursuit of love as I can muster.

Last thing, when I interview matches for my clients, I always ask two questions at the end of the call:

1. What makes dating you great? Brag on yourself a little for me. How do you show up for the people you care about most?

2. What are you a work in progress around? How are you focusing your attention in the self-growth department?

If you’re dating right now, work these into your first date questions. Answer them yourself. Be your own cheerleader every single time you put yourself out there. Love is a risk. It’s a risk everyone has the opportunity to take. And it’s quite literally always worth it, even if it hurts.

I’m on the way to my best friend’s wedding tonight. The last heartbreak I had was right before another best friend’s wedding. Just a fun little cosmic tidbit to remind everyone the universe, God, etc, maintains a steady sense of irony.

I’ll actually get to the DMs next week — this week was harder than I thought it would be, but we’ll get there when we get there, together. <3

xx,

Mak